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Mu mU Mu mU
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Q: What do you get when you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic, and an insomniac?
A: Someone who lies awake all night wondering if there really is a Dog up there.

A four-year-old wanders up and down the aisles of a supermarket crying his eyes
out.
"What's the matter young fella?" asks a concerned shop assistant.
"I've lost my mummy!" wails the youngster, sobbing convulsively.
"Don't worry, we'll soon find her," soothes the shop assistant. "Now what's
mummy like?"
"Big cocks and vodka," sobs the little fella.

A Pakistani, an Indian and a Bangladeshi have a contest to see who can carry
the most buckets of water across a field.
The Bangladeshi says: "I can carry two buckets... one in each hand!"
The Indian syas: "I can carry three buckets... one in each hand, and one with my
dick!"
The Pakistani says: "That's nothing! I can carry FIVE buckets!"
Everybody is astonished by this, and they ask him how he hopes to accomplish
this amazing feat.
"Easy," he replies. "I carry one bucket of water in each hand, then I stick my
dick up the three-bucket-carrying Indian guy's ass and run for it!"

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa!

Q: What are the only two things a woman is good for?
A: Fucking and Nothing!

An exquisite painting, entitled "Home for Lunch", was on display in a
Pennsylvania art gallery. It depicted three very naked and very black men, sitting
on a bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had
black penises, but the man in the middle had a pink penis.
Two women were standing there, staring at the painting, scratching their heads,
and trying to figure the painting out.
The artist walked by and noticed the women's confusion.
"Can I help you with this painting?" he asked.
"Well, yes" said the one woman. "We were curious about this picture of three
black men on a bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?"
"Oh," said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misinterpreted the painting. The three men
are not African-Americans. They're West Virginia coal miners, and the fellow in
the middle went "Home For Lunch."

Q: Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend off the wall?
A: So he could see her crack!

A woman is picked up in a bar by Dennis Rodman, and accompanies him to his
hotel room. Rodman removes his shirt, revealing all his tattoos, and she sees a
tatoo that says "Reebok" on his right arm.
She thinks that's a bit odd and asks him about it. Rodman responds: "When I
play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for
advertisement."
A bit later, Rodman takes off his pants, and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his
leg.
He gives the same explanation.
Finally, his underwear comes off, and the woman screams and runs to the corner
of the room!
Rodman says: "What's wrong?"
The woman points at the tatoo on his penis which reads "AIDS."
She says: "I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!"
He replies: "It's cool baby, don't worry. When it gets hard, it's going to say
ADIDAS!"

Did you hear about the gay gentleman who went into a butcher shop and asked
for 5 pounds of salami?
The butcher asked him if he wanted it sliced.
So the gay man replied: "Does my ass look like a piggy bank to you?!"

An elderly Jewish matron decided to have her portrait painted. She instructed the
the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald
bracelets, and a gold Rolex."
"But you aren't wearing any of those things", the artist observed.
"I know," she explained. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he
will remarry almost immediately, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for
the jewellery!"

A Young Jackaroo in the outback of Queensland was out checking some cattle
fences in his good old Auzzie EJ Holden ute, when he hit something.
He radioed the station for advice. "There's a pig stuck in the bull bars. he's still
alive but he's kicking and squealing so much I can't get him free" he said.
"Okay," said his station manager. "Behind the back of the seat there's a 303. Put
it up to the pig's head and shoot it. When its body goes all limp you'll be able to
get it off the bullbars and throw it into the bush."
About 45 minutes later the young jackaroo called in again, "Hey boss, did what
ya said to do, I shot the pig in the head, he went all limp and I got him out of the
bullbars, no problem. But I still can't go on."
"Why not?" Asked the station manager. "What's the fucking problem?"
"Well it's his motorbike.... the flashing blue light is jammed under the
wheel-arch!"

A fabulously wealthy husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine
restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table,
gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His
wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"
"Oh," replies the husband, "that was just my mistress."
The wife says, "That's it! I want a divorce!"
"I understand," replies her husband, "but remember our prenuptial agreement... if
you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in
the Caribbean, no Cadillac or Lexus in the garage, and no more Country Club.
But the decision is yours."
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous
woman. "Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks.
"That's his mistress," replies her husband.
"Ours is prettier," says the wife.

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's
pregnant. She's furious! She calls the White House, gets Bill on the phone, and
immediately starts screaming: "How could you let this happen?! With all that's
going on right now, you go and get me pregnant!! How could you?!
There is nothing but dead silence on the other end of the phone.
She screams again, "DID YOU HEAR ME!?"
Finally, in a very low whisper, Bill says: "Who is this?"

After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two
lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for
his fishing license. The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these
lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come done to the water and whistle and
these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end
of the day."
The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a
license.
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch,"
as he throws the lobsters back into the water.
The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come
out of the water."
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"

It was Cup Final day at Wembley, the most important match in the whole of
English football, and the sports commentator had mentioned several times that
as usual the stadium had been sold out long before the game. As he described
the action, however, he kept noticing a single empty seat directly below his
booth. The empty seat was bothering him, so he sent an assistant downstairs to
find out what was going on.
"Pardon me, sir," the assistant said to the man sitting next to the empty seat.
"Do you happen to know why this seat is unoccupied?"
"Yeah. It's my wife's seat."
"And why is it empty?"
"She died."
"Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. But couldn't you get a friend to come to the game with
you today?"
"Impossible," the man said. "They're all at her funeral."

Late at night, a policeman went patrolling up on lover's lane. He drove by a car
and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. A young man was in the driver's
seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady sat in the back writing a
letter.
Deciding there was something odd, he walked up to the car and tapped on the
driver's window.
When the window was rolled down the policeman asked, "What are you doing?"
"I'm reading" answered the young man.
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer asked, "And what is
she doing?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, She's writing."
"How old are you?" the officer asked.
"Nineteen," the man replied.
"And her?" asked the officer.
The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes
she'll be eighteen."

A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once
in the room, they undress, climb into bed, and go at it. When finished, the
Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives
under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker
and commences a repeat performance.
The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished,
the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives
under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker
and starts again.
The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times. During the fifth
encore, she decides to try it herself. So when they are done, she jumps up, goes
to the window and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed... and
finds four Chinese dudes hiding under there!

An old Jewish patriarch is laying dying in his bed. Naturally, all his family is
standing around him praying for his soul and waiting for him to die. The old man
raises himself on his elbows and looks around him with great difficulty.
"Abraam, are you here?"
"Yes, father", comes a voice from someone.
"Sarah, are you here?"
"Yes, my husband", another voice comes from the crowd around him.
"Rebbeca, are you here?"
"Yes, uncle."
"Isaac?"
"Yes, grandfather."
"Saoul?"
"Yes, father."
The old man strains himself to sit up on the bed, looks around and asks:
"And who the fuck is looking after the store?"

A young couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although
very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town and party with his old buddies,
so he says to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..."
"Where are you going, coochie coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife says to him, "You want a beer my love?" Then she opens the door to
the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different
countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of
saying is, "Yes, loolie loolie ...but the bar....you know...the frozen glass..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, "You
want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She takes a huge beer mug out of the freezer
so frozen that she was getting chills holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have
those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long.I'll be right back. I
promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opens the oven and takes out 15
dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom
caps, pork strips, etc...
"But, sweet honey...at the bar...you know...the swearing, the dirty words and all
that..."
"You want swearing, cutie pie?...HERE, DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN
YOUR FROZEN FUCKING MUG AND EAT YOUR FUCKING SNACKS! YOU
AIN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?!!"

A man walks in to the country store and asks the clerk for a package of
condoms. The clerk asks "what size are you?"
"I dunno" replies the man.
Well the clerk tells him to go out back where there is a plywood fence with
numbered holes in it. He is told to stick it in various holes to determine his size.
Well, this big 'ol fat girl sees the man heading out back and runs around behind
the fence. As soon as the man sticks it thru the hole, the fat girl picks up her
moo-moo and backs up to the fence. A while later the man returns and the clerk
asks him "Well, what size will it be?"
"Forget the rubbers," the man replies, "I'll just take 3 sheets of that plywood!"

The Queen of England was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the
Royal Stables when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be
ignored.
"Oh dear," said the Queen, "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that."
"It's quite understandable," said the archbishop, and after a moment added, "as a
matter of fact I thought it was the horse!"

The annual Gynecologist's meeting was held this year in Paris. A French Doctor
was comparing notes with an English Doctor about their profession.
The French Doc says, "Why only last week, a woman came to see me for an
examination, and she had a clitoris like a melon."
The English Doc said, "Don't be ridiculous you stupid frog, if it was that big she
would not have been able to walk."
The French Doctor replies, "Ah, you English with your obsessions about size... I
was talking about zee flavour."

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this
procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five
pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that
third day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No! From skipping!"

Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what
they want to be when they grow up.
Little Sheila said, "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"
Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barked, "What did you say?!"
"A prostitute!" Sheila exclaimed.
Sister Catherine breathed a sight of relief and said "Whew! Thank God! I thought
you said 'a Protestant'!"

Some guys in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of them walked into
the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
"You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" asked the clerk.
The fellow replied, "Um, I'll have to check with the rest of the boys." He went out
to his truck and within a few minutes returned to the clerk stating, "Yep, I meant
two-by-fours."
"Alright," replied the clerk. "How long do you need them?"
He stood there scratching his head while pondering this question and replied,
"Well, a long time. We're gonna build a house!"

"Good evening ladies", Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women eating
bananas on a park bench.
"Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked.
"No", Holmes replied, "I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the newlywed we
just passed."
"Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it in one hand
and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small
pieces."
"The prostitute", he continued, "grabbed with both hands and crammed the whole
thing into her mouth."
"Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you know the third was a
newlywed?"
"Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other."

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm, a mother is tucking her boy into bed. She's about to turn off the light when he asks, with a tremor in his voice: "Mommy, I'm scared... can you sleep in my bed tonight?"
The mother smiles and gives him a reassuring hug. "I can't, sweetie," she says. "I have to sleep in Daddy's bed tonight."
To which the little boy replies: "Gee... I didn't know Dad was such a big pussy!"

This dude shows up to work one day with a black eye. When his co-workers ask what happened, he tells them: "I went to church, and there in front of me was the fattest woman I had ever seen. When she got up after kneeling in prayer, I noticed her dress was stuck in her butt-crack, so I reached over and pulled it out. So she turned around and smacked me one."
The guys laugh and rib him about it all day.
A week later, he shows up to work looking like he just went five rounds with a pit-bull. Again, the guys ask him what had happened, and again, he tells them: "I went to the church, and there in front of me was that same big fat woman with her dress stuck up her butt-crack."
At this point, one of the people listening to the story says: "You didn't pull her dress out of her ass again, did you?!"
"No," he replies, "the guy standing next to me did. But I knew she didn't like that... so I shoved it back in for her."

A little girl was leading her dog through the park when an old man stopped her, saying, "That sure is a nice dog you have there."
The little girl smiled and said, "Thank you, sir. It's my dog Porky."
The old man chuckled. "I'll bet a nickel I can guess why you call him that."
She shook her head. "I'll bet you can't."
He laughed and said, "You called him Porky because he's so fat."
She shook her head. "No sir, we call him that because he fucks pigs."

There's this Canadian hunting guide who's leading a Harvard English professor on a hunting trip far out in the woods of Quebec. Unfortunately, the Canuck hadn't counted on the prof being a big drinker, so they quickly run out of booze, and are left sitting around the campfire with nothing to do.
The english prof says: "I know, lets play a word game. I'll think of a word and write it down, and you can ask ten question to figure out what word I wrote down, ok?"
The Canuck replies: "Dat sounz like a guud idear."
So the prof thinks for a bit, and writes down the word MOOSECOCK.
The Canuck asks the first question: "Is it sometin you kin eat?"
The prof replies: "Well... I suppose... Yeah, I suppose it is something you could eat."
So the Canuck says: "Is it Moosecock?"

There's this Mary Kay saleslady who's driving in the country one day, when her car brakes down in front of a farmhouse. She asks the farmer for help. He looks at the engine, and tells her: "Ah kin fix her, but she's gonna need a part that I won't be able to git frum the city till tomorrow."
The Mary Kay lady says: "Then where will I stay tonite?"
The farmer replies: "You can stay here, but yer gonna have to sleep in the same bed as my two retarded sons."
She agrees, and that night she settles into bed between the two retarded brothers. Being a Mary Kay lady, she's quite horny, so she nudges both brothers and says: "Say boys, do you wanna have some fun?"
The retards say: "YAH!"
So the Mary Kay lady says: "Okay, but you're gonna have to put these little hats on your pee-pees to make sure I don't get pregnant."
The retards say: "YAH!"
So they puts on the rubbers and fuck like crazy.
The next day, the farmer fixes the car and the Mary Kay lady drives off, never to be seen again.
About a year later, the two retarded brothers are playing in the sandbox, when one says to the other: "Do you remember that Mary Kay lady who stayed with us last year?"
"YAH!" the brother replies
"Do you care if she gets pregnant or not?"
"Not me!" comes the reply.
"Okay. So how 'bout we take these off now?"

Jake, Johnny, and Billy Bob went to the rodeo. Unfortunately, a big bull jumped the fence into the spectators and they were trampled to death.
Being good God-fearing men, they ascended to Heaven where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He said, "Welcome to Heaven, gentlemen. I'm sure you'll be quite comfortable here, but I must warn you that we do have our rules in Heaven. If you break them, you'll be punished. One rule is, never step on a duck. If you step on a duck, the duck quacks, then they all quack, and it just goes on and on."
That sounded simple enough. They passed through the Pearly Gates and were surprised to find there were ducks everywhere! In no time at all, Jake stepped on one. The duck quacked, then they all quacked, they made a terrible racket and it just went on and on. Pretty soon along came St. Peter with a terribly homely woman in tow. "I warned you that if you broke the duck rule you'd be punished." He chained the homely woman to Jake and said, "You will be together forever," and walked away.
Sometime later, despite his best efforts, Johnny accidentally stepped on a duck. The duck quacked, then they all quacked and made a terrible commotion that just went on and on. Sure enough, along came St. Peter with an even homelier woman. "I warned you that if you broke the duck rule you'd be punished." With that, he chained the woman to Johnny and said, "The two of you will be together for all eternity," and walked away.
Well, Billy Bob was very careful not to step on a duck. One day St. Peter came along with a drop dead gorgeous blonde. He chained her to Billy Bob and said, "You will be together now and forever more," and walked away.
Billy Bob exclaimed, "Wow, I wonder what I did to deserve this?"
"I don't know about you," said the beautiful woman, "But I stepped on a duck."

Having been raised on a farm, this young guy had always been fascinated by tractors. He knew every make, every kind, all the attachments, had all the books and catalogues, all the scale models, and by the time he'd reached his teens he had become a total expert on the subject. So when his sixteenth birthday came around, his folks naturally bought him his very own... motorcycle.
At first he was terribly disappointed, but as time went by he became more and more fond of the bike. He maintained it, polished it, kept it immaculate and became a skilled rider.
A couple of years went by and he was returning to the farm in a friend's car after an evening out, when to his horror he saw that the barn was on fire and the fire department was tackling the blaze. "Oh, Jesus," he cried, "my bike's in there!"
He tried to get in to rescue his precious bike, but the fire chief stopped him for his own safety. In desperation he grabbed a ladder, climbed on top of the barn and took one huge hissing deep breath. The fire went out at once.
"That's incredible!" the fire chief exclaimed when he came down from the ladder. "How the hell did you manage to do that?"
"It's simple," the guy replied. "I'm an ex-tractor fan."

Did you hear the one about the son of an Arab man and a Mexican mother?
He made a fortune when he invented Oil of Olay!

Last Sunday a gay guy decided to go to church. At a certain point in the service, the offertory plate came around and, feeling expansive, our gay friend dropped a hundred-dollar bill into it. When the offertory plates were brought up to the minister he noticed this large bill and, wondering who could have been so generous, asked whomever had contributed the hundred dollars to please stand up.
Up stood our gay pal, and the minister told him, "Sir, since you have given so generously, you may choose the next three hymns."
Quickly the flamer looked around and called back, "I'd like him, him and him!"

The state governor of was hosting a Halloween costume party. All the gentry were there, and as they arrived, the doorman would announce what their characters were.
When one couple arrived, he announced "Mickey and Minnie Mouse."
When another couple arrived, he announced, "Tarzan and Jane," and so on, as each guest arrived.
Later in the evening, a man arrived dressed only in a pair of underpants. Apart from that, he was totally naked from head to toe.
"Who do you think you are?" demanded the doorman. After ascertaining that the man was indeed an invited guest, the doorman asked, "How shall I announce you?"
The man said, "I'm premature ejaculation."
"I'm very sorry, sir," said the shocked doorman. "I cannot announce anything like that to such a gathering."
"Okay," said the man, "Just say I came in my underpants."

This bloke spots a nice looking girl in a bar so he goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asks her name. "Carmen," she replies.
"That's a nice name," he says warming up the conversation, "Who named you, your mother?"
"No, I named myself," she answers.
"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"
"Because I like cars, and I like men," she says looking directly into his eyes. "What's your name?"
"Beercunt." he replies.

A New York woman was at her East Side hairdresser's getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's left bank called Teste..."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive. But it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.
The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. And the hotel... it was great! They'd just finished a million remodeling job and now it's just a jewel, finest hotel in the city!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Really?" asked the hairdresser. "What'd he say?"
"He said: 'Where'd you get the shitty haircut?'"

Bubba and Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when the decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how's that toilet brush?"
"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to usin' paper."

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